SOLO IL LATTE PERDONA (Yeehawbanero)

By
Cat cat Productions

Shooting Draft 9/4/17

EXT. WESTERN EXPANSE - DAY

A lone figure bounds over the vast, seemingly-endless lands of the west. Credits are super-imposed over the image. The figure sprints ahead. BANG! A loud gunshot rings out through the area. The figure drops to the ground. The wounded man, local land-owner MARK JANIAK, crawls along the desert. A man of villainous disposition follows alongside the crawling man and kicks him to roll him on his back. The villain, JESSIE "MILKMAN" MCROONEY stares down at him, his face devoid of compassion.

MARK JANIAK
(grunting)
I won’t sign it!
(beat)
Uhhh...it’s so spicy!

Mark holds his stomach in pain. The confident Milkman reaches inside his vest and pulls out a HABANERO PEPPER, holding it between thumb and pointer finger. The camera zooms and holds in Leone-style.

MARK JANIAK
A. . .a. . .a habanero? Ah, my
intestines! It burns!

Milkman’s gaze returns to Mark, he puts away the bullet and then we see a bottle of white, bright milk in his gun holster. He pulls it out and holds it as if to offer it to Mark.

MILKMAN
I got the antidote for that. But
it’ll cost you a signature.

MARK JANIAK
No, never! (grunts) Not my papy’s
land!

MILKMAN
Suit yourself.

Mark grunts as the spiciness continues. The Milkman holds the deed of land up to Mark’s eye view. It is like a stand off between two gun-men. Close ups on eyes and on the milk.

MARK JANIAK
All right, all right!

Milkman, unsmiling, business-like, hands Mark a pen. Mark signs the papers that are dangling out in the wind.

(CONTINUED)

2.

MARK JANIAK
The..the milk?

Mark Janiak falls on his back and waits for the milk. It is poured tactlessly all over his face.

EXT. WESTERN TOWN - DAY

The streets of a sleepy western town welcome a lone traveler, CLINT BROWNWOOD, atop his horse. Adorned in a donkey poncho, Clint inspects what seems to be a ghost town. Clint rides up to a saloon. He dismounts his horse.

CLINT
(patting horse)
Good boy.

Clint makes his way to the saloon.

EXT. SALOON - DAY

Clint Brownwood approaches a saloon. A BARKEEPER stands near the entrance polishing a glass. Clint walks up to him.

BARKEEPER
Saloon’s closed. The whole town is.

CLINT
Closed? But I need a horse bit, a
room, and some booze.

BARKEEPER
Boobs? There’re no boobs around
here! All the women left town! What
else ya need?

Clint looks at him weird, with brows furrowed.

CLINT
A horse bit.

BARKEEPER
A whore’s tit? I told ya, all the
women left town!

Clint looks at him weird again, his patience a little thin.

CLINT
Well, all right, do you know where
I could get a room?

(CONTINUED)

3.

BARKEEPER
Poon? I told ya! All the-

CUT TO:
EXT. MINE - DAY

We see a model of a mine and a small figure GEORGE MINER pushing a cart into the shaft.

CUT TO:
EXT. MINING PLACE - DAY

George Miner wipes his brow after a long day of work. He is a miner, and dirty. As he walks away from his mine and drinks some water, an arm pops out from OS.

DELIVERY MAN (OS)
Hey Miner! You got a telegram!
George Miner looks at it intently and then begins to read.

MARK JANIAK (V.O.)
Hey George, how are ya? Me? Not so
good. All 14 kids are sad about it.
Jessie the Milkman McRooney visited
me and forced me to sign over my
papy’s land. It sucked. I don’t
doubt on God’s good earth that he’s
comin’ for your land next. Btw, did
you hear all the women left town?

Zoom in on George Miner’s face as he realizes that his lands are in trouble. Zoom in right in on his mouth. Like the guy yelling "Maureen" in "Once Upon A Time In The West", he yells:

GEORGE MINER
My land!

EXT. SALOON - DAY

Clint Brownwood looks frustrated with the Barkeeper.

BARKEEPER
Mamaroonies? I told ya! All the
women left town!

(CONTINUED)

4.

Just then, George Miner runs up to them, almost out of breath.

GEORGE MINER
Barkeep!

Clint Brownwood and Barkeep look toward him.

GEORGE MINER
The Milkman is coming for me next!
I’m putting up a fight - ain’t no
railroad gonna be be built on my
papy’s land! I ain’t no wussy!

BARKEEPER
Wussy? I told ya!. . .he was after
ya papy’s lands! You’re achin’ to
fight, but nothing comes between
The Milkman and his track layin’.

The Barkeeper holds up a map chronicling the situation. The map shows all their property, explaining the Milkman’s plan for area domination and Habanero bullet distribution plan. Slow zoom into the map and then pause (old school style).

CLINT BROWNWOOD
Why’s he called Milkman? Sounds
like he should be called Train Man.

GEORGE MINER
Because only his milk’ll stop the
spiciness from his barrel.

Clint Brownwood nods knowingly.

BARKEEPER
I’ve heard tales of the strongest
men on their knees begging for his
milk. I’d hate to be you, facing
him alone.

GEORGE MINER
Well, that’s why I’m here. I need
your help. You’re the only one left
in town!

BARKEEPER
Sorry, but I got an appointment to
get my hearing checked today.

George Miner looks at Barkeeper disappointed. Betrayed he heads away from the saloon. He briefly looks over his shoulder.

(CONTINUED)

5.

GEORGE MINER
I guess I’ll just handle it myself.

EXT. MINING PLACE - DAY

George Miner runs back toward his mine. He is flustered and sweaty.

MILKMAN
Slow down Georgie boy. Looks like
you’re in a rush.

George Miner looks over surprisingly. The Milk Man has been waiting for him.

GEORGE MINER
How did you get here so fast?
You’re faster than a steam engine.

MILKMAN
They don’t call me the Train Man
for nothing!

George Miner looks at him all weird.

GEORGE MINER
Okay...sure.

The Milkman begins to pull paper out from his vest.

GEORGE MINER
Why don’t you save yourself some
time and put those away? I ain’t
signing nothing.

The Milkman smiles and puts the papers back into his vest. He pulls a milk jar from his gun holster.

MILKMAN
Are you sure I can’t persuade you?
He drinks from his milk jar.

MILKMAN
(continued)
It would be a shame if I finished
all this milk and you needed it.

George looks more worried with each gulp. His reactions are only with his face.

(CONTINUED)

6.

MILKMAN
No? Need more convincing then, huh?

Milkman reaches down to his holster and puts his hand on a pistol grip.

CLINT BROWNWOOD (O.S.)
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Milkman and George Miner turn to look, and they see Clint Brownwood there, looking all calm and cool. They are standing in a triangle like at the end of the "Good, Bad, and the Ugly".

MILKMAN
Best be on your way. This doesn’t
involve you.

Clint Brownwood pulls back his poncho, revealing his gun. George Miner watches both men intently.

MILKMAN
This is between Georgie Boy and I.
No gun, not even yours, can stop my
railroad.

CLINT BROWNWOOD
(all cool)
I’m not here for any railroad.

MILKMAN
For what then?

CLINT BROWNWOOD
I came into town looking for booze,
a horse bit, a room, and MILKMAN
Well, you can’t find any of that
here I reckon. Nothing you need to
find is here.

The camera is in front of Clint and then we zoom into his face (a la "Once Upon a Time in the West"). The next shot is of a younger Milkman smiling, walking toward camera (from the flashback). Back to the present, we go to Clint Brownwood, this time, a slow-zoom on his eyes. We are now entering the flashback.

7.

EXT. DESERTED PLACE - DAY - FLASHBACK

A young Milkman is smiling. A little kid Clint Brownwood stands next to his father. Clint looks young, with three-point freckles, a cowboy hat with a propeller, and holding a pinwheel and huge lollipop.

BROWNWOOD’S DAD
I’ll never sign over my habanero
farm to you. You can’t handle their
heat anyway.

Milkman smirks.

YOUNG MILKMAN
I’m not going to eat them.

Gunshot! Brownwood’s dad has a pained look on his face. He falls to his knees. Young Clint looks sad. Young Milkman laughs. The dad looks at his son all sad and says "so spicy", although their is no audio at this point just swelling music.

Young Clint is devastated. The Milkman comes up to the young kid, laughing, and pulls out a habanero pepper. He puts it in the kid’s mouth. Young Clint falls face-first into the dirt.

EXT. MINING PLACE - DAY - PRESENT

The two gunmen have waited long enough. The guns come out! BANG! BANG! The Milkman has been hit. We can tell from the look on his face. He staggers around. Clint follows close behind. Milkman falls to the ground, his hat flies off. Milkman starts feeling the effects of the spiciness. He turns around to look at Clint.

MILKMAN
One of my peppers. Who are you?

Clint Brownwood pulls out the propeller hat from his childhood and bends down.
There’s a shot from the flashback of the propeller hat on young Clint.
Back in the present, Clint places the hat on Milkman’s head. Milkman realizes who just bested him, and then he dies. Clint just looks down at the man who killed his father. George Miner comes to stand beside Clint.

(CONTINUED)

8.

GEORGE MINER
Holy cow! The milkman’s dead!

CLINT BROWNWOOD
Expired. Throw his dead body in the
pasture.

GEORGE MINER
Got it. I’ll find the best spot. I
got good pasture-eyes.

CLINT BROWNWOOD
(nods)
Well, I better be on my whey.

GEORGE MINER
You don’t have to leave just yet.

CLINT BROWNWOOD
Tell the bartender I said bye.

GEORGE MINER
K- I’ll see’im later.
Well, wait up. Let me get you some
gold before you move on!

George looks down and reaches into his pockets searching for some gold nuggets.

GEORGE MINER
I’m sure you herd the women left,
but maybe now that the Milkman’s gone -

He looks back at Clint and stops talking. Clint is already far, far away on his horse. Long shot on him walking away up to the ending.

THE END

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