U.Ph.O. By A drunk Cat cat Productions * * * * INTRO CREDITS Early 60s black and white sci-fi credits with dramatic music. INT. SAL'S RESTAURANT - EVENING A bowl of pho is set in front of MAN. He tastes it. The banter that follows is delivered in typical early 60s movie fashion. Snappy. MAN Golly! That pho is out of this world. He signals at the SERVER. MAN Hey squirt! SERVER Sir? MAN Who's the chef that made this? SERVER Oh CHEF HOLMES of course, he's not here. MAN When's he coming back? SERVER That's just it, he's not. MAN He's not? SERVER He's at his retirement party right now. You could catch him if you beat feet. MAN I can't let this pho go to waste. SERVER Don't worry I'll bag it for you or my name ain't Bagger. Bilbo Bagger. The Server pours pho directly into a bag. The man carries the dripping bag out of the restaurant. EXT. SAL'S RESTAURANT BACK DOOR - EVENING CHEF HOLMES walks out of his "happening" retirement party. He waves to people that are off screen. CHEF HOLMES Thanks for the retirement party guys, it was a gas! PEOPLE Bye Chef! We Love you! He walks away from the door. As he walks away someone is following him. Suddenly, the person grabs Chef Holmes' shoulder. Holmes is startled at first. CHEF HOLMES Gee Willikers! The Man quietly stares at Chef Holmes. CHEF HOLMES What's your bag, man? You almost scared my trousers off. MAN I apologize for that Chef. CHEF HOLMES It's OK, my trousers are still on. MAN Chef, I need to know where I can get more of your pho. CHEF HOLMES You're outta luck Daddy O. I just retired today. See? Chef points to his retirement paperwork. MAN Chef, it's imperative that I get more pho. You're the pho king! CHEF HOLMES Sorry buddy, those days are over. Chef Holmes walks away. Man looks at him ominously. Suddenly a bright light shines into the Chef's face. He is being abducted. CHEF HOLMES AHHHHHHH!!!!! Fade out. Black screen. INT. SPACE SHIP - WHAT TIME IS IT? Chef Holmes wakes up in spaceship probably made in someone's apartment. There are beepy things, flashing lights, and curtains. He stands up and looks around. A man with antennae ALIEN 1 looks at him silently and points a ray gun at him. CHELF HOLMES Whoa! What are you? Alien 1 stares at him as creepy sci fi music plays. CHELF HOLMES (CONT'D) Are you a martian or are you just lighting up the tilt sign? ALIEN 1 Are you Chef Holmes or detective Holmes, fucking (gosh darn, blast it all, dadgummit) asking all these questions... CHEF HOLMES Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? ALIEN 1 We do not come from mothers. Pause. CHEF HOLMES Why am I here? Suddenly the Man he saw before the abduction comes around a chair. He is an alien as well. Small antennas protrude from his forehead now. He will now be referred to as ALIEN 2. ALIEN 2 Years ago, we stopped by your planet. We discovered that you have created the best fuel for our early 60s term for spacecraft. Your pho has powered us for 30 of your rotational cycles. Our planet is dying but we discovered a new one. Your pho will be able to get us there. We need more. CHEF HOLMES Woah, seriously? ALIEN 1 To be serious, is the essence of our people. CHEF HOLMES I'm sorry, but I'm retired. Pho crying out loud! ALIEN 2 Our species does not cry, but we know yours does. Alien 2 shows his ray gun and dramatic music plays again. CHEF HOLMES Whoa. Say, fella, no need to bring out the brass. But I'm retired, y'see? ALIEN 1 Our scans of your life form indicate that your body is of sound condition to do what we want. Retirement can commence after your job to us. CHEF HOLMES I swore to never do it again. ALIEN 2 Our advanced technology programs know your life form and nutritional needs. We will keep you alive forever until your task is done. Music swells. Fade out. Black screen. SUPER: 15 YEARS LATER INT. SPACE SHIP - WHAT TIME IS IT? Fade in. Everyone is in the same spot. Chef Holmes now has a beard. CHEF HOLMES All right, fine! I made your pho. EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SHIP Chef Holmes and the two aliens stand beside the ship. ALIEN 1 Thank you for making our pho. Now we can depart this planet for our new home. CHEF HOLMES You're welcome. You know these past 15 years have really taught me something. No matter how different we are, we can all learn to live togeth... ALIEN 1 Chef, sorry to interrupt, but we must as you say...make like the wind and fart out of here. ALIEN 2 We kept your health in a consistent status. You have not aged a day nutritionally speaking. Here... Alien 2 hands Chef Holmes a pool noodle with a beepy thing. ALIEN 2 We used this. ALIEN 1 Carry it with you at all times to never age. Your retirement can now be enjoyed fully and as long as you want. CHEF HOLMES Thanks...Alien number 1. The two aliens go on their flying saucer and then they fly away as it takes off. CHEF HOLMES Have fun on your new planet...Earth. Musical cue. Chef Holmes looks at the camera. THE END. * * * * +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+ | This Cat cat Production e-text was entered by members of the | | Lil Science Fiction Guys Table #69 (LSFGT69) on this online | | service. | | For further information concerning Cat Cat e-texts, please send | | email to: | | catcatprods@gmail.com | +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+ ============================================================================== Cat cat Productions U.PH.O. Ver 3.00 08/26/2015 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ==================================End of File=================================